John Woodall, MD, is a Board Certified psychiatrist who lives in Newtown. He has provided the following commentary in response to the tragic death on March 25 of Sandy Hook resident Jeremy Richman. Dr Richman was the father of Avielle, one of the 20 children killed at Sandy Hook School on December 14, 2012.

Our hearts are absolutely broken at the news. Bitter, tragic grief rends our hearts throughout town and ripples far beyond. Please, friends, hold each other, and especially if you are feeling that you can’t take any more, reach out. Make the grief and pain into an invitation for intimacy with someone who loves you.

The following is from thoughts Dr Woodall posted in 2018:

“For over 30 years, my work has given me the honor of hearing the most intimate struggles of people at the worst times of their lives. Despite a person feeling profoundly isolated at such times, there are common themes that run through the hearts and minds of people who are contemplating suicide. Their first argument for suicide goes something like this:

“‘My life has been a failure. I’ve blown all of my opportunities through my own failures and stupidity. I’ve hurt the people I love.’ Another version of that first step is:

“‘I’ve been betrayed by the person I thought was the closest to me. Maybe I’m incapable of love. Maybe I’ve been a fool. If I were honest with myself, I’d see that my life is a failure.’

“The second argument goes like this:

“‘Because I’m so broken, I don’t have it in me to try again. It will just be the same thing over and over. I simply can not endure this pain. There is nowhere I can go to escape it. This is far worse than any death. This pain is unrelenting and crushing me. I can’t endure it any longer.’

“The third argument is:

“‘My actions (or inactions) are hurting me and the people I love, and they will be better off without me. They may be upset for awhile, but they’ll get over it. I know they’ll be better off because the person they think they love doesn’t really exist. I’m a fraud. If I were honest, I’d just end it and put myself and everyone else out of misery.’

“Being a psychiatrist for more than 30 years, I have also heard how the family and loved ones of a person who commits suicide feel. There are three things that plague those left behind.

“1.) A terrible guilt. If you love someone, there is always something you can think of that you might have done, or not done, for a person you love that might have made a difference. ‘If only I had said this... If only I had done that. If only I had called then and not waited.’ When you love someone, you can’t help but think of the things you might have done differently that would have prevented the suicide. It is only natural that your love will lead you to think of things you might have done differently. It is a difficult task to come to realize that the decision to commit suicide was made by one whose judgment was blinded by depression.

“2.) A terrible anger. This one is not obvious and often too shameful to discuss. But the person left behind, especially children, parents, and current or ex-partners and spouses will say to themselves, ‘Didn’t my love count for anything? Why didn’t you call? I would have been there for you!’ They will need to relearn that their love counts, that love can save even the most desperate situations, if we make ourselves open to it.

“3.) They will feel a terrible grief. Someone has taken him/herself out of the story. There are births, birthdays, school performances, graduations, dates, a million joys that person was supposed to be a part of that will never happen.

“In fact, the anguish many feel for a failure of some sort — the shame for our common human frailties, the self-punishment for not living up to what you feel is good are all signs that you are a good person. A bad person doesn’t care about others and has no shame, no anguish, no self-reflection. A depressed person simply has amplified these too much. Perspective is lost. Depression limits our perceptions. Suicidal depression tragically limits our perceptions to see no options, when in fact, there are many transformative options. The often difficult task is to humbly and courageously ask for help. There is great transformative potential in these times. Becoming so painfully empty can be the time of greatest renewal. ‘Empty the cup’ and let a new wine flow into it. The greatest transformations always come from the greatest crises. Always. Yours may be just ahead. Across time and history and every nation and culture, it has always been so. It always will be. This is the end of one thing and can be the beginning of another.”

Editor’s note: If you are struggling and need to talk, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available at 800-273-8255.

(Find more from Dr Woodall at Facebook, at My Resilient Life John Woodall.)