There is an art to successful foster parenting, and Newtown residents Nancy and John Schreiner have seemingly mastered it, despite having fostered just two teenagers in the four years they have been licensed. So much so, that the Department of Children and Families (DCF) named the couple as the Star Family for the month of April, and during the May 1-2 Connecticut Association of Foster and Adoptive Parents Annual Conference at the Mystic Marriott, the Schreiners will be honored as the Family of the Year for the Danbury region.

A Star Family is one that a member agency of the DCF sees as one “whose service to children in foster care deserves recognition.”

They have succeeded as foster parents, said the Schreiners, by simply relying on the parenting skills they have developed raising their blended family of five, for the past ten years of their marriage.

“We don’t have a style typical to many other foster parents,” said Mr Schreiner. “We’re laid back and we have more a philosophy than rules. There are three important things in our household,” he said, whether the child is hers, his, or a foster child. “Honesty, trust, and respect are important. And it goes both ways. It’s important to let these [foster] kids start with a clean slate. We don’t judge them. We let them make mistakes, pick them up, and start again. That’s how they learn,” Mr Schreiner said.

“We’ve been lucky. Our own kids have not been in any big trouble. We’re very proud of them. They are successful and happy,” Ms Schreiner said.

That is their goal with all of the children in the household, said the Schreiners: that the children turn out to be fine young men and women, who are successful and happy.

“You can only guide,” Mr Schreiner, “and if they veer off, you guide them back.”

The decision to become foster parents came about after three of their own five children had moved out, leaving them with a large, five-bedroom home and empty rooms.

“Nancy and I had a conversation about fostering,” recalled Mr Schreiner, “but for me, I go back to this home makeover show I used to watch. They did a home for a family who fostered handicapped kids. I was moved by it. The star asked them why they foster, and the mother said, ‘If you could help, why wouldn’t you?’ It struck a chord with me.” With two young teens still at home then, the Schreiners felt their children could be good role models and mentors for a foster child.

“If we could help even one child and make a difference, that would be worth the effort. We weren’t out to win a Nobel Prize,” Mr Schreiner said.

Ms Schreiner began to look into it, and with her usual determination, moved the two-year licensing process forward.

“We decided we wanted to foster teens. We both work,” Ms Schreiner said, “so taking in little kids wouldn’t work for us.” Ms Schreiner is administrative assistant to the Newtown fire marshal, and Mr Schreiner is manager at Echo Bay Marina in Brookfield.

Plus, they realized, among the more than 2,000 children in need of foster care in this state, the DCF finds it harder to find suitable foster homes for the older children.

“Having the experience of our own kids growing up and moving out prepared us for fostering teens. Having our own teens, it’s easy for us to talk to teens. We’ve already heard it all,” said Ms Schreiner.

“There’s a nice balance between us,” Mr Schreiner said. “Nancy is the mother bear, the nurturer. I’m the straight shooter. I’m up front, and the calm voice of reason,” he said.

Their two youngest boys were supportive of the decision to become foster parents, said the Schreiners, although there was the occasional headshake of “What are you doing?”

Of Families And Households

The first teen they fostered was a 15-year-old boy. He had been in a group home, and as is always the goal, it was hoped he could reunite with his mother. “It was supposed to be short term, just Monday through Friday, for a couple of weeks. We thought it would be a way to ease into fostering,” Mr Schreiner said.

Four years later, the young man is still with them. He is 20 years old, and just this month will be moving into his own apartment and starting a job.

The Schreiners kept this foster son in touch with his mother, even after it became apparent he would not be able to return home. They think of him as their own son. He was always involved in family events and vacations. Their oldest son’s toddler refers to him as “uncle,” and the Schreiners believe that just as their children accepted him, he has welcomed them as his new family. That he is moving on is a sign of success, they said, and a natural progression for any young man.

More challenging was the 16-year-old girl who was with them for 18 months.

“We knew going into it that it would be a challenge,” Mr Schreiner said. “There’s a fine line you walk between making kids part of the family or part of the household,” Mr Schreiner said. “It is very individual.

“We learned something different with both of them. You have to go by the signals they send, and let things happen,” she said. While the young woman did not desire to be “family,” like their foster son, she was willing to be part of the household, helping out with chores, eating dinner with the family, and taking part as much as she was able.

That young woman left to go into a therapeutic program, but the Schreiners remain in touch and even attended months of therapy with her.

“We were not giving up on her and we wanted her to know we would continue to be a resource, now or down the road, even though she wasn’t living with us,” said Mr Schreiner.

“She still messages us. In her way, she cared about us as much as she could. I think we were a positive impact on her,” Ms Schreiner said.

It is unusual for foster parents to go into therapy with children no longer in their care, but the couple had a strong desire to see this young woman continue to improve.

“We still want her to be successful, and we want to hold her to a higher standard,” she said.

Advocates

They see themselves as advocates for these two young people, and an advocate is what many of the young people in foster care need as they navigate the many layers of a bureaucracy.

There are necessary protocols in place in the agency, Ms Schreiner said, “But there are a few kids those normal protocols won’t work for. You have to be able to say, ‘This isn’t working for this kid.’ We know, and their teachers know, the nuts and bolts of what is going on day to day. You have to be proactive.”

“It’s important to show your foster child that you’ll be his gladiator,” Mr Schreiner added. “In a situation where we feel our foster child isn’t being dealt with fairly, I’ll get pumped up, and Nancy’s claws come out,” he laughed.

Bringing their own two families together after marrying gave them skills and knowledge they have been able to apply to fostering, said the Schreiners.

“All of it is an adjustment — blending families, fostering. You learn to be more open and understanding. Some of the things you think happen only on television are reality,” Mr Schreiner said.

The Schreiners provide respite care, as well. In emergency situations, they are happy to provide an immediate bed for a child. Sometimes, another foster family needs assistance if going away and the foster child cannot go with, or there are situations where the foster child and foster family just need a short break from each other. With all of their own children out of the nest now, and their foster son with one foot out the door, the empty beds are waiting to help, they said.

“There are a lot of kids out there that need a place to rest their heads and feel safe. I would love it if another family in town would read this and become a foster family. We would be glad to meet with anyone. It’s hard work, but it’s gratifying. Even if you have only a two-year window to help a child, that could make a difference,” Ms Schreiner said. “People worry that they can’t love someone else’s child like their own. We have a blended family, and I can tell you, we bond. Yes, I can love somebody else’s child,” she said.

“There certainly is a need for people to take in teens, which can be challenging. You have to know yourself and you have to know your limits,” Mr Schreiner did caution. “The idea is to make it work for everyone,” he said. Helping facilitate a child getting back to the biological parents or helping a child get ready to move on in life is the ultimate goal, said Ms Schreiner, and providing a safe and nurturing environment while on that journey is something a positive foster family situation can do.

With their foster son well on his way to independence, the Schreiners look forward to providing a haven for another teenager in the future. “We have the means, we have the family structure, and we feel we can make a difference,” said Mr Schreiner. “If you can help,” he asked, “why wouldn’t you?”

To find out more about becoming a foster parent, call 888-KID-HERO (888-543-4376), or e-mail kidhero@cafap.com.