Few People Know (Or Ask) About Their Lives Before Children—

The Secret Lives Of Moms

By Nancy K. Crevier

Some children know this mother as their Sunday school teacher or assistant coach. When an extra driver is needed for scouts, she is there. She is on call 24/7 for her family, school, and community. Sometimes acquaintances forget her name, but they do recall that she is so-and-so’s mom.

The people she interacts with every day know her from school and sports events. She might be renowned for the brownies that she brings to the bake sale or be the one woman everyone knows will get the job done for the PTA. She could be the first parent to come to mind when someone is needed to fill in at the school store or she could be the mother who volunteers to keep track of all of the gift wrap sold as a fundraiser.

When she exchanges her jeans and T-shirts for the occasional suit and heels, people do a double take, unable to place her out of context.

But behind these women who work at home and volunteer in the schools and community lie the secret lives that gave them the skills they continue to put to work, even when the workplace is at home and the boss is herself.

 In the role of mother and community volunteer, conversations initially concern kids, schools, and home-life. It often comes as a surprise when weeks or months into relationships, women brought together through their children discover that their friends gave up star-studded jobs and the perks of executive positions for the perks of being a stay-at-home mother.

Behind the scenes and in front of the camera was how Peggy O’Neil-Murphy once spent her days, but she swears it can be years before any of her friendships developed post-children discover this about her.

“In the 80s, I worked at WVIT Channel 30 in West Hartford as producer and host of the nightly spot Good News Break. It focused on positive stories across the state, so I traveled all over Connecticut every day. It was a dream job, but it meant I worked weekends, nights, and was totally consumed by it,” says Ms O’Neil-Murphy.

She worked on coverage for the funeral of Governor Ella Grasso, worked with then-new-to-the station anchor woman Joanne Nesti and attended many of the annual governor’s Christmas parties for the media. “The job was a lot of fun and very exciting,” she says. When she moved on to a position as commercial producer, Ms O’Neil-Murphy found herself rubbing elbows with big names like Reggie Jackson, Wade Boggs, Sammy Davis, Jr, Susan St James, and Connie Chung. She has produced a monthly news program for Connecticut Mutual (now Mass Mutual) personnel all over America, made training videos, television commercials and has produced teleconferences. But if her face looks familiar to those she meets since she opted to stay-at-home with her children, now 16 and 12, it is more likely to be from her participation in the St Rose Choir or because she has substituted throughout the Newtown school system on occasion.

When she is with other mothers, she says, “Topics seem to revolve around parenting skills, not parents’ skills.” That others know little about her past does not bother her. She says, “We chose to become parents. This is my life’s work right now. It’s our one chance to do the best we can. [Raising my children] is what I will look back on as my greatest success, I hope.”

The Perks Of Motherhood

Another mother who left behind the bright lights of television is Suzy DeYoung. Laid back, in casual clothes and running a book club or shopping for groceries, not all of the people with whom she has crossed paths the past three years her family has lived in Newtown know that Ms DeYoung once held a high-energy, top level positions in television production. She started as production secretary for the soap opera Ryan’s Hope, and then went on to become assistant to the field reporter for Good Morning, America. Just prior to her “retirement” after daughter, Quincy, 12, was born, Ms DeYoung worked nine years as an associate producer for Live With Regis and Kathie Lee, responsible for one or two segments a day.

“It was a really exciting and fun time: free tickets, dinners at all of the best restaurants in New York, enormous perks.” The perks of motherhood are much better, though, says Ms DeYoung, who has two sons, as well, Cary, 8 and Barrett, 6. “[Motherhood] has so much more depth. It’s a whole different feeling of constant appreciation. I appreciate that I can be in a park on a beautiful day and look at the trees and just read a book.”

Laura Terry was an accountant for Hyperion Solutions in Stamford. Laura Grenier was a specialist in sales for Xerox, supporting 13 people regionally out of New York City and selling high-end products. Laura Helmig taught pre-K in Redding. What they have in common, besides their first names, is that many of their friends since they left the work force do not know what they once did for a living.

Nobody talks about what they did for jobs anymore, says Ms Grenier. Because most of her contacts are also highly involved in raising their children, conversations tend to focus on kids and kid-related activities. She suspects that like herself, a lot of women have the suits and heels tucked away in the closet, quiet reminders of where they have been and where they may go once again.

“When you are talking to working moms, you sometimes feel you have to justify what you do. Now I say, ‘In my former life, before I stayed at home, I was an accountant.’ It could be weeks before anyone finds out what you did before you had kids,” agrees Ms Terry, the mother of 6-year-old Ben and 4-year-old Annabel.

Laura Helmig found out what a lot of her friends used to do, and they found out about her past life, via a “fun e-mail we sent around. Sometimes it’s years before I find out what people did. The topic just doesn’t come up.” The email, she says, was “a kind of ‘Do You Know?’ thing about stuff like favorite foods, birthday, that sort of thing. It was fascinating to find out what a lot of mothers did before they decided to stay home with their children.”

Professional Skills

Brought Home

Another commonality these Lauras have is the carry-over from the business world they bring to parenting. For Ms Grenier and Ms Terry, it is organizational and negotiating skills that make their lives at home run more smoothly. Ms Helmig applies what she learned as a teacher to raising her own two children. “I would definitely say that play and being social is so important in being successful for kids.”

“I can prioritize what’s worth stressing over as a mom,” says Geri O’Sullivan. She attributes that to making it through law school, what she calls, “A very stressful environment.” Before she and her family moved to Newtown 2½ years ago, Ms O’Sullivan practiced environmental law in the Washington, D.C., area. “It’s usually a while after I meet someone that they find out what I did before kids. At first, the obvious interest is the kids. I think that when other moms talk about going back to work, that’s when it comes up in conversation.”

As much stress as raising children can be, it beats the stress of being a lawyer, according to this mother. “I am thankful to be home with the kids. I have the luxury of time,” something she says was not a part of her life in the courts.

 “Sometimes what we used to do comes up; usually when I fantasize with other mothers who used to have careers,” chuckles Tanya Cutolo. Although she still works out of her home as an architect while raising her three children, gone are the days of working late and the demands of a full-time job in the business. “It’s always a struggle to balance work and family,” she says. “It’s tough.”

Not all of her friends are aware that she is a nutritionist who once directed nutrition services at the New York State Psychiatric Institute in New York City, says Stacia Helfand. But because she worked with food, “and everybody needs food,” she suspects her past tends to come up sooner than it might for other women.

“Children always come first in conversation. Where I feel a personal connection, though, I might find out right away [what another mother’s career was.]” What Ms Helfand finds ironic, however, is that other women are quick to share with each other their husbands’ careers.

“I feel like I gave up a lot of my identity to be a parent. I feel very passionately about staying home with my children, but it’s hard not to have the stimulation you get from a professional life,” confesses this mother.

Wendy Rafferty’s friends find out pretty quickly her life BC (Before Children). “My nature is to go straight for that aspect, what people did before kids. I like to know right away what friends did and I like to get peoples’ stories.” It is probably not such a surprise, then, to discover that Ms Rafferty was a communications director. “I mainly wrote and designed packages for a retail audience of CFOs of top corporations,” she says. “I art-directed pieces produced by outside agencies and worked with IT [Information Technology], too.”

Ms Rafferty opted out of the corporate world three years after her oldest of two children, Callan, was born. “I do miss being in the corporate world,” she confesses, “but I learned so much about dealing with people that carries over into stay-at-home mom life. In dealing with schools and other parents, I try to be empathetic.”

Her curiosity about other mothers’ lives leaves her with the conclusion that, “There are so many interesting moms out there.”

One of the highlights of Kim Charles’ career as a product specialist for Tauk World Discovery tour company was her trip to the Antarctica. “Tauk World wanted to get office staff down there because this tour was new to the company. There was an office lottery and I got to go with a friend. It was amazing,” says Ms Charles. The funny thing, says this mother of two toddlers, is how people react — or rather, do not react — to this tidbit of information about herself. “It is of mild interest, but talk always turns back to the children pretty quickly.”

Ms Charles was responsible for maintaining the day-to-day process of the tours that traveled to Hawaii, Australia, South East Asia, China, New Zealand, and Fiji and put together all of the elements of documentation the tour guides presented to their clients. Supplier negotiations was also a big part of her job, and as a stay-at-home mother, she declares, “I’m a very good negotiator. I don’t really take ‘no’ for an answer. I try to pass on to my kids that it is always worth taking chances and to never be afraid to ask for something.”

What women did before they had kids is not a big topic of conversation at play groups, nursery school, or on the playground, she says. “It’s sort of hush-hush.”

The only place this mother has seen a real interest in mothers’ former lives highlighted was at the Newtown Youth Services mother’s group to which she belonged three years ago when her daughter was born. “They facilitated talking about former careers, which was so nice.”

At the Bouncing Bears creative movement classes for moms and tots that she teaches every eight weeks, Heather Law, a local fitness instructor, also realizes the importance of validating mothers’ former identities. “I come across some interesting people. One mom was a soap opera star. Another is a barrel racer for rodeos, and I think one mother, or her mom, was a Rockette,” says Ms Law. How does she know? The class includes a sharing time each week, and one week the mothers share what they did before they had children.

“It’s so important. Some are new to the town, some are new to motherhood,” Ms Law says. “People are my hobby. I love to find out what they have done in their lives. I encourage mothers to make connections.”

Ms O’Neil-Murphy also finds connections and retaining personal interests essential, no matter how dedicated a person is to parenting. “I still find time to do things for myself. It’s important to have a good circle of friends you can share ideas with and focus on what’s going on outside of children.”

The mothers of Newtown might seem to be still waters, but they do run deep. It just takes the right cast into the river to make a surprising catch.