B.P.

 

Bits & Pieces

 

Choke On This!

By Kim J. Harmon

What would you eat? I mean, what would you eat if you wanted to get into the IFOCE record book?

The IFOCE is the International Federation Of Competitive Eating and they are the ones that govern such rites of gastronomic vulgarity as the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest which Joey Chestnut of San Jose won just last week by consuming 66 hot dogs – and buns – in just 12 minutes.

As it is, Joey Chestnut also holds the record for most asparagus eaten in 10 minutes (8.6 pounds of tempura deep fried asparagus spears on April 28, 2007), the most chicken wings eaten in 12 minutes (7.5 pounds of buffalo chicken wings on May 21, 2007), the most chicken wings eaten in 30 minutes (182), the most grilled cheese sandwiches eaten in 10 minutes (47 on June 10, 2006), the most gyoza eaten in 10 minutes (212 chicken and vegetable gyoza on August 19, 2006), the most horseshoe sandwiches eaten in 12 minutes (6 pounds, 5 ounces), the most smoked pork ribs eaten in 10 minutes (9 pounds, 6 ounces on September 16, 2006) and the most waffles eaten in 10 minutes and 23 seconds (18.5 on September 3, 2006).

Chestnut is one of the stars of competitive eating – like Takeru Kobayashi, Sonya Thomas, Patrick Bertoletti, Richard LeFevre and Crazy Legs Conti.

So I ask again – what would you eat?

Me, it would be pizza. I love pizza. I love it so much I can eat it three times a day every day and all I would need is the variety of a different pizza place every day. But the problem is, I can’t put it away like these guys can.

On July 9, 2005, LeFevre ate 7.5 slices of extra large Bacci slices on a 24-inch pie in 15 minutes and on August 12, 2006, Bertoletti ate 19 slices of Three Brothers Pizza 16-inch pie in 10 minutes. If I’m sufficiently hungry, I can get one slice of pizza down in roughly five minutes – not nine and a half slices like Bertoletti could.

To what lengths do we, as human beings, need to go to find something to compete in? Does everyone have to be the best at something. “Hey, there goes Eric Booker – man, that guy can sure choke down his hash. Man, four pounds in one minute and 58 seconds. What, Chris Hendrix ate 331 crawfish in 12 minutes? So what – he can’t hold a candle to Booker.”

Watching the hot dog eating contest I couldn’t decide whether I should be thrilled or repulsed – or both. But when I see that Kobayashi has the record for eating 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes, I figure I should be the latter.

1 1 1

Let me get this straight – a college basketball coach can’t give a player $5 to get a sandwich after practice, let alone give him 50 cents to make a phone call, but he can recruit (and accept an oral commitment from) a 14-year-old middle school player?

Tim Floyd of the University of Southern California accepted a verbal commitment from Ryan Boatright just recently ... a kid who doesn’t even know what high school he is going to.

The issues this raises are almost too numerous to go into. But I wonder what happens in two years when Boatright, then a sophomore, hasn’t gotten any better … or has regressed … or has undergone a growth spurt he hasn’t been able to adapt to? What if he just isn’t any good anymore? Floyd said the university would stick by the commitment and give the kid the scholarship, but where does that leave the basketball program?

I can’t fault Floyd or USC because if he doesn’t accept a commitment Boatright or Dwayne Polee (another 14 year old whom USC accepted a commitment from last year), then Oklahoma or Florida or Kentucky will. The problem is the NCAA. It’s so busy prosecuting the jaywalkers, it completely ignores the bank robbers.

1 1 1

As Barry Bonds inches closer and closer to Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, I feel cheated and that’s because I suspect that Bonds cheated.

This should be a great time in baseball. Remember what it was like when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were chasing Roger Maris ... before anyone heard of androstenedione or really suspected players were juicing themselves up? Remember how riveted we were, every night, waiting to see one or both hit a home run.

This chase for Aaron’s record should have trumped all of that excitement. This should be the greatest time in any baseball fan’s life and it isn’t.

That’s why I feel cheated.