Date: Fri 17-Oct-1997

Publication: Hea

Author: SHANNO

Quick Words:

domestic-violence-Nessbaum

Full Text:

Domestic Abuse: It Is Not OK!

(with cuts & dropquotes & 2 sidebars-separate library files, key words: Silent

Witnesses & Rights)

On the average day in the United States, four women are murdered, 2,000 women

are raped, and 4,000 women are beaten by their male partners.

By definition, abuse is any controlling behavior that forces another person to

do what the abuser wants, without regard to that person's rights, body, health

or happiness.

BY SHANNON HICKS

October has been designated Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Women's centers

and shelters across the country are hoping to make people more knowledgeable

of the extent and complexity of this problem in the hopes more victims will

feel strong enough to reach for help. It is also a time for the public to

offer a hand to those who need help.

Domestic violence is a crime. Across the country, domestic violence pits man

against woman 97 percent of the time. The FBI says a woman is battered every

nine seconds in the United States.

"Connecticut fits right in with those statistics," says Mary McInerney, a

representative of the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence (CCADV).

In the last fiscal year (ending June 30, 1997), CCADV's 18 domestic violence

shelter programs provided services to 42,353 victims of domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, that number represents an 11.2 percent increase from the

previous year in requests for information and referrals.

Help came in the form of hotline services, shelter services, non-shelter

services (victims who were aided by individual counseling, support groups,

community and/or legal advocacy, information and referrals, and assistance

with developing safety plans), criminal court-based services, and community

education services.

By definition, abuse is any controlling behavior that forces another person to

do what the abuser wants, without regard to that person's rights, body, health

or happiness. Abusive behavior can include pushing; hitting; throwing objects;

forcing sexual intercourse; making verbal threats; depriving a person of

money, food or transportation; isolating someone from family and friends; or

limiting a person's reproductive and contraceptive choices.

Vicki L. Seltzer, MD, president of The American College of Obstetricians and

Gynecologists, says abuse of women by male partners is so prevalent that an

estimated one quarter of US women will experience some form of abuse from a

current or former partner at some point in their life. More women 15 to 44 are

injured by domestic abuse than by rape, muggings and car accidents combined .

A Crime That Affects Everyone

There is usually no rhyme or reason to domestic violence. Almost anyone is

capable of becoming a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic Violence Resources

(DVR), in Cleveland, Ohio, reports domestic violence crosses all cultures,

races and socioeconomic levels. Abusers and their victims can be straight or

gay, young or old.

Contrary to some of the myths of the crime, battering occurs at similar rates

among different ethnic groups. The DVR has published a list of additional

facts that break some of the myths, including:

Battering occurs among all religions.

Marriage does not end abusive behavior. Marrying the batterer will not protect

the victim.

Batterers are not less educated than non-batterers, nor does affluence lessen

battering behavior.

Batterers are not crazy or psychopathic; they can be as varied in personality

as the general public.

Low self-esteem does not cause a person to become victimized by a batterer.

Couples who stay together "for the children" actually end up teaching children

that relationships are about power, and that violence is normal behavior. The

Danbury Women's Center reports an estimated 3.3 million children in the United

States witness domestic violence each year, and they, too, become victims by

emulating their parent's behavior.

Police who treat incidences of abuse lightly help reinforce the belief that

family violence is an acceptable, private affair between partners.

Battered partners do not automatically hate their abuser. They may love their

mate while resenting the treatment they receive from them.

The Women's Center of Greater Danbury, which has offered emergency and ongoing

help to women and their families for more than two decades, has provided some

additional sobering facts.

In one out of three dating couples, violence will occur at least once.

Violence will occur at least once in two-thirds of all marriages.

Fifty percent of all women will be beaten by their lover or husband more than

once in their lifetimes. On the average day in the United States, four women

are murdered, 2,000 women are raped, and 4,000 women are beaten by their male

partners.

Eighty-one percent of men who batter had fathers who abused their mothers.

One out of six women are beaten during their pregnancies. The March of Dimes

has reported that more babies are now born with domestic violence-related

birth defects than from the combination of all diseases and illness for which

women are immunized.

Some of this country's "missing children" are actually being hidden by their

mothers to protect them from violent fathers. Conversely, abusers sometimes

kidnap their children to punish their partners for leaving them or to get

their partners to return.

How Domestic Violence Grows

Domestic abuse does not always begin with a clenched fist. It can start much

more quietly. The Domestic Violence Section of the Metro Nashville (Tenn.)

Police Department has posted information on the World Wide Web that explains

the different progressions of domestic violence (DV).

DV can start with what the department calls pre-battering violence. This

consists of verbal abuse, hitting objects, throwing objects, breaking objects

and making threats. When abusers hit or break objects to make threats, almost

100 percent resort next to battering.

The beginning level of DV includes pushing, grabbing and/or restraining. The

next step is the moderate level, at which point an abuser will slap, pinch,

kick and/or pull out clumps of his victim's hair.

At the severe level, there is choking, beating with objects (sticks, baseball

bats, bed slats, etc), use of weapons, and rape. One in three women in a

battering relationship is raped.

There are two kinds of rape in domestic violence: one, with weapons; the

second, where a woman submits out of the fear that if she were to say "no," he

would get angry and beat her.

After The Headlines

Every day in this country, four women are killed by their abusive partners.

Some women may feel bound to abusive relationships by complex emotional and

financial factors, says Dr Seltzer.

These factors can include feelings of low self-esteem, fear of retaliation,

fear of being alone, money worries, or belief that their children need a

father. Abused women may also believe they either deserve the abuse or can

avoid it by not angering their partner.

Ten years ago, the nation was rocked by a domestic-violence abuse case that

brought a crime previously kept quiet into the forefront of the nation's

conscience.

The story of Random House senior editor Hedda Nussbaum's violent 12-year

relationship with trial lawyer Joel Steinberg, and the tragic death of the

couple's six-year-old daughter, changed forever the way the nation looked at

domestic violence.

"The story of what happened made great headlines," Ms Nussbaum said recently

at a domestic violence program held in Danbury. "We were a live soap opera."

Ms Nussbaum said she credits the media for making the crime such a national

issue, "for making such a fuss," she said.

"People are learning now, it can happen to anybody," she said.

Ms Nussbaum was one of four speakers at the program sponsored by the National

Council of Jewish Women. Ms Nussbaum has become a spokeswoman on domestic

violence, sharing her own experiences with audiences, and offering some

warning of abuse.

When Ms Nussbaum was introduced, she was given a standing ovation before she

even spoke her first word.

"I was like a lot of other people," the former victim told the audience. "I

thought I would never tolerate violence. ... But when it happens to you, it's

a different story."

Domestic violence, for the most part, is all about control and power issues,

Ms Nussbaum explained. "I don't think most women know the warning signs of

what to look for in their partners," she continued.

Women should beware of men who come on as very charming. "Joel was certainly

very charming," Ms Nussbaum said. "He was very good with words."

To be sweet to someone is OK, but watch out for the partner who insists on

doing everything his way, she said. This includes someone who controls all

finances and makes all the plans for a couple.

A man who often gets drunk is someone to look out for, as is someone who hates

his mother.

"A woman won't realize there is nothing she can do," Ms Nussbaum warned the

crowd. "When he starts criticizing, she will change [that] one thing, and

he'll just look for something else to criticize."

When Nussbaum and Steinberg began dating, she said, he began coaching her.

Steinberg instructed Nussbaum on how to walk, talk and dress, telling her he

was only trying to improve her. Nussbaum realizes, in retrospect, she was

being brainwashed by Steinberg.

Her first serious beating resulted in a ruptured spleen. "But this was six

years after the first hit," she told her audience. "I was brainwashed by then;

I wasn't going anywhere."

Nussbaum, like many women, tried to leave Steinberg. She left 5« times. The

first time - the "half" time - Steinberg came home to find her packing, "and I

ended up on the floor, then in an ice cold bath," she said. The final time, in

November 1987, was after Steinberg reportedly went into such a rage he knocked

her unconscious just minutes before turning his anger on the couple's

six-year-old adopted daughter.

Hedda Nussbaum says the only reason she was finally able to get out of her

relationship with Steinberg was because she was carried out of the house. (A

1985 study showed abused women are most likely to be murdered when attempting

to report abuse or to leave an abusive relationship.)

Charges against Nussbaum linking her to her daughter's death were dropped once

it was determined she had been knocked out and was unable to help the

youngster. Steinberg was convicted of manslaughter and is in prison.

Who Are These Women?

Most women who are being abused in their home do not walk out their front door

and ask for help. They are afraid to. Or they are ashamed to.

It is not always easy to tell if a woman is being abused, especially in the

earliest stages when the abuse tends to be verbal. In general, women who are

abused physically are often isolated; their partners tend to control their

lives.

Warning signs include: a woman who mentions not being able to use the

telephone; she is forbidden from seeing friends unless he is along; the man

has exclusive control over all money and household financial matters; he won't

let her learn to drive, go to school, or get a job; and she is limited in her

freedom as much as a child would be. For example: "Go to the store, get milk

and come straight home. It should take you 15 minutes."

An abused woman is probably very much a traditionalist about the home,

strongly believing in family unity and a feminine sex-role stereotype.

An abused woman will speak very poorly of herself. She is unable to make eye

contact, always looking away or at the ground when talking.

Many times, these women complain of non-specific aches and pains that are

constant and recurring. These are stress-related problems. She may also have

severe stress reactions, with psychophysiological complaints.

Battered women suffer physical and mental problems as a result of domestic

violence. Battered women lose their jobs because of absenteeism due to illness

or injuries. Absences coupled with court appearances may often jeopardize a

woman's livelihood.

Abused women may also have to move many times to avoid violent encounters

initiated by former partners. Moving is costly and can interfere with

continuity of employment, compounding financial problems.

Many abused women believe they are alone and that no one will be able to help

her resolve her predicament.

Fortunately, resources exist to help women get advice and break free of their

abuser's destructive control. Anyone in imminent danger should call the police

immediately. If a situation is questionable or a woman needs someone to begin

talking to, women's centers and shelters in the area and across the state

offer a variety of services.

The Women's Center

Laura Cococcia is the community outreach program coordinator of the Women's

Center of Greater Danbury. The center is one of the 18 member organizations of

CCADV. It serves Danbury and ten surrounding towns.

"Our mission is to empower women, to show a woman her options and let her

choose for herself what her next step will be," Ms Cococcia explains. Services

of The Women's Center include counseling, one-to-one and in groups; a 24-hour

hotline (731-5206); an emergency shelter; and referrals for attorneys and

organizations versed in the needs of women and their families who find

themselves in an abusive situation.

All services (which extend beyond the realm of domestic violence) at the

non-profit social service agency are free and confidential. The center's

headquarters is at 2 West Street in Danbury, just off Main Street (past the

Danbury Library).

"We see a little bit of everybody here," Ms Cococcia said. The common myth -

that all domestic violence victims are women, from the inner city, poor and

uneducated - is not at all true, she added. Domestic violence reaches

everyone, everywhere.

"There is no excuse for domestic violence," Ms Cococcia asserted.

"There's no reason anybody should be hitting anybody else."