Commentary—

Listening With Open Hearts

By Dorrie Carolan and Donna DeLuca

“How do people listen?” was the first question asked of the preschoolers at the St Rose Vacation Bible School this past Monday morning. “I know,” said a precocious 4-year-old. “They listen with their hearts.” This young child was incredibly astute! Intuitive people always listen with their hearts. But how does one listen with a broken heart? How do we listen when it’s too late?

Our hearts break when young people die tragically. Most of us, hard as we try, cannot make rational sense of the devastating loss. We parents know that in the grand circle of life, it is not natural to have our children die before us. Yet, in the past two weeks, we have learned of the tragic deaths of two more Newtown youths: one who lost a battle with addiction, the other a victim of drunk driving.

The scenario has become all too familiar. Although things have been seemingly quiet over the past several months, Newtown has had more than its share of substance-related deaths. This one is personal.

The young man who died this week ate dinner at our houses, played Little League and football with our sons, was polite, respectful, and well loved. He was like one of our own children. Again, this hit us close to home. When is it going to end? This is not merely about parents who have children suffering from substance abuse; this is about parents of young children who wish to act now to prevent future tragedies.

A parent’s instinct is to protect his or her children, and there is no doubt that we all do our best. But what goes awry? At the first Newtown Parent Connection forum this season, Norm Bossio suggested that parents, educators, and all significant others who are in regular contact with our children, simply make eye contact with our children when they speak to us and we speak to them.

For some this is new and difficult, because it involves ceasing to attend to the myriad outside distractions of this world, and hone in on the cares and concerns of our children. When we are fully present to our children, they know first and foremost they are most essential in our lives — valued and cherished beyond anything else.

Listening with an open heart means we might hear something that stings, bristles, or hurts our egos, but we listen anyway. One challenge is not to react in a way that alienates our child; rather, to invite more conversation. Another is to respond with answers that may seem harsh or unpopular, but those that promote sound moral values and protect their lives. This is not the time to be your child’s best friend; it is the time to be a strong parent.   

The Newtown Parent Connection began with two mothers intensely concerned with the factors that led to their children’s addictions. One suffers the loss of her child, while the other prays daily for her child’s survival. The recent deaths remind us of our commitment to educate and empower the community in the prevention of substance abuse and to embrace families in crisis. No one in Newtown needs to suffer alone, as we have been there. Sick, saddened, and sorry (as any parent would be) for the recent loss of these wonderful young people, we feel personally led to reach out empathically to those who may be bearing the agony of addiction in shame or silence. The process to obtain substantive help can be extremely complicated, but with the help of people who have been through the process, it is possible. Lives have been saved and they will continue to be saved if together we have the courage and fortitude to listen with our hearts — to our children and to each other, and seek guidance immediately when we hear something that disturbs us.

The Newtown Parent Connection urges parents and guardians to be as vigilant as possible in monitoring our children. We have learned from the Newtown police that alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin are challenging our children each day — we need to safeguard them! Binge drinking is rampant and “partying” with adult permission (i.e. lock-in gatherings) is commonplace. Exercise your parental instinct to protect and know where your children are; wait up for them and look into their eyes; ask whether parties or other gatherings will be supervised, then call the other home for verification; say “no” when something sounds risky or dangerous; risk being unpopular with your child by setting firm boundaries and parameters for behavior, then stick to them.

Above all else, parents, educators, aunts, uncles, grandparents, any and all who touch the lives of our young people, listen with your open hearts to what our children have to say. Sometimes in their silence we learn what is locked in their hearts and minds. Other times it is in their anger, acting out or defensiveness. Never stop trying to fill the void. Losing young people so tragically makes us grab and hold on tighter to those we love. Love them and never let them doubt the security of that love. If and when it appears that things are going awry, reach out to those who can help.