Help, And Hope, For Casualties Of Divorce

By Shannon Hicks

BETHEL — The numbers are sad and staggering. The United States leads the world in the number of marriages that end in divorce. Between 1970 and 1996, the number of divorced people in this country more than quadrupled.

Towards the end of the last decade, the divorce level was still elevated, but is seems to have stabilized somewhat. Larry L. Bumpass, who has done extensive research at the University of Wisconsin on this subject, noted in March 1997 that more than 19 million people had divorced in this country, representing 9.8 percent of the population age 18 and over. The median age was 50, and 58 percent were women.

According to an ABC News report presented in March 2000, 47 percent of all first marriages and 49 percent of all second marriages will end in divorce. The failure rate is even worse for third marriages.

If there is any good news to be found locally on this topic, southern New England residents may want to take heart in the fact that Massachusetts and Connecticut ranked first and second, respectively, for having the lowest divorce rates in the country by 1994. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, both states experienced a moderate drop in rates between 1992 and 1994; Connecticut fell from 3.1 percent to 2.8 percent of its population going through a divorce.

Marriages break up for any number of reasons. Educational differences can wear away at the couple. Marrying too young is another reason many unions dissolve, as are finances. Communication, or the lack thereof, is another leading cause of major misunderstandings between husbands and wives. Whatever the reason for a divorce, the financial and emotional strain on those involved is usually very strong.

Walnut Hill Community Church in Bethel and Southern Connecticut Christian Counseling Center (SCCCC) have teamed up again this spring to present a workshop called “Divorce Recovery Workshop.” The eight-week program will meet Wednesday evenings, April 5 through May 24, at Walnut Hill Community Church, 156 Walnut Hill Road in Bethel.

Sessions run from 7:30 to 9:45 pm each week, and each session includes a presentation and questions-and-answer period, personal stories, refreshments, and discussion groups. The Divorce Recovery Workshop addresses the emotional and spiritual needs of those suffering from the trauma of divorce through presentations by professionals on pertinent issues; structured small group discussion of topics presented; and informal socializing with others who are feeling the effects of divorce and are seeking to learn about recovery. Cost of the workshop is $25 per person, which includes a book that participants work with during the workshop and keep after its conclusion.

The workshop topics schedule this year are: “Is This Really Happening to Me?” on April 5; April 12, “Getting the Ex-Spouse in Focus”; April 19, “Assuming Responsibility for Myself and the Future”; April 26, “Experiencing Forgiveness”; May 3, “Principles of Growth”; May 10, “Dating and Remarriage”; May 17, “Children”; and May 24, “Reconciliation.” Different specialists present the programs each week.

The workshop was developed in 1980 by Dr Vincent Taber, a psychologist, at SCCCC, with Pastor Stan Allaby of Black Rock Congregational Church in Fairfield. Newtown resident Debbie Gaboriault, a member of Walnut Hill Community Church, served as the workshop program administrator last year. She has returned to coordinate the workshop again this year.

“They saw the need in the community for this kind of program,” Ms Gaboriault said. “People were coming in to them for counseling and they saw a great need for people to receive counseling.”

Joel Eidsness, the senior pastor at Walnut Hill Community Church, has been speaking at the Black Rock workshop since 1994, the same year Ms Gaboriault began serving as the program’s administrator at Black Rock. When Ms Gaboriault began attending Walnut Hill Community Church, which is much closer to her Newtown home, Pastor Eidsness, she says, was “very eager” to begin hosting the program in Bethel. He continues to speak for both the Black Rock and Bethel workshops.

This is the second year the program is being offered in Bethel.

“Last year was very successful,” Ms Gaboriault said this week. “We had nearly 40 people. People were still hurting at the end of the workshop, but they were also very hopeful.” Participation is open to everyone in the community, not just members of the church, she pointed out.

“The workshop provides a good opportunity for people to see that they aren’t the only ones going through this,” Ms Gaboriault explained. “You aren’t the only person going through these emotional stages. You aren’t in a tunnel with a train coming straight at you. There is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.” Ms Gaboriault stumbled into the workshop the same year she was going through her own divorce. She then felt, she said, “called to help others begin their own healing.”

“The benefits are not only emotional, but they are visible even physically,” she contends. “People come in and they’re very quiet and tentative at first. They even sit stiffly, or with their arms folded.

“By the end, they’ve made friends, they’re laughing and talking, and life begins to take on a semblance of normalcy again,” she said. “You come from this awful, broken place and you leave the workshop with a sense of direction again.”

Ms Gaboriault’s biggest piece of advice — although she is quick to point out that she is not a counselor herself, but is someone who has gone through a divorce — is telling people to just take their time after the divorce for themselves. Use that time, she says, to heal and evaluate what your role was in the breakdown of that marriage and learn from those mistakes. It’s a good time, she feels, to explore your spiritual and emotional needs, and find out how you can make sure they can be met in the future.

“When a plane goes down, they always analyze the debris,” said Ms Gaboriault. “The first thing they do is look for that black box. And why? Because they want to examine every possible fault and not make the same mistake ever again, if it can be helped.

“Unfortunately, the need for something like this is tremendous. Divorce is not going away; it’s only increasing.”

Reservations are still being accepted for the Divorce Recovery Workshop, which will begin April 5 at Walnut Hill Community Church. Cost is $25 per person. Call 796-7373 for registration or additional information.