Ashlar Program Explores The Power Of Presence In Healing

By Jan Howard

Visiting a very sick or dying friend or loved one in the hospital is a difficult experience. Often, people avoid these visits because they don’t know what to say or do. Later, however, they may regret that they didn’t go to visit.

Linda Napier of Southbury, a registered nurse, discussed ten ways to help a sick friend or loved one in a program on March 13 sponsored by The Learning Center at Ashlar of Newtown. The program was part of Ashlar’s Lunch and Learn free seminar series for mature adults about living and aging well.

Ms Napier is the author of Tender Medicine, Touching the Heart, Healing the Hurt. She is a practitioner of touch, a therapeutic hands-on technique that accesses unconscious feelings and memories. She is a former resident of Newtown.

In her 30-year career as a nurse, Ms Napier said she often felt inadequate. “I didn’t feel I was touching people or making a difference. I was feeling frustrated.

“I was not trained or prepared for when a doctor said ‘There is nothing more I can do for you,’ and left the room. I was angry. He drops a bomb and leaves. He wasn’t prepared, either,” she said.

“Medical people feel they’ve failed when they can’t fix somebody,” she noted.

“I left nursing feeling burnt out. I had to do my own healing 12-step program. I was trying to come to grips with my own pain,” Ms Napier said.

“We as patients are looking for more from healthcare people,” she said. “My ideas are not new.”

 Ms Napier said she realized that health and wellbeing depend on nurturing human touch through her own experience. Among exhibitors at a conference she attended was a booth for Rosen Method Bodywork. Thinking she was going to get a massage after a long plane trip, she decided to take advantage of a free 15-minute demonstration.

The touch therapy she received was an emotional experience that released feelings of grief and rage. “I finally got in touch with some deep feelings,” she said. “A lot of our feelings are socialized out of us.”

Ms Napier said she then took classes and went on what she termed “a journey” about alternative therapies. “I decided that touch needed to be brought back into nursing, but it was met with resistance,” she noted.

Pain is the wounded child in all of us, she said. “What are we doing for our wounded child? If you saw a child that was crying, would you ignore it or would you pick it up and comfort it? We need to focus on the pain rather than on getting rid of it. Let go of the struggle, and the pain lessens.”

Ms Napier outlined ten ways to help a sick friend or loved one who is ill or in the hospital.

1) Call first and be sure that when you plan to visit is a good time.

2) Remember, she said, you can neither change nor “fix” that person. Just being a gentle, accepting and caring presence is all that is needed. You do not have to do anything.

“I wanted to fix everybody, but sometimes you have to accept that you can’t,” she said. “Being a loving presence lets them know that you accept them and love them as they are.”

3) Listen, if they want to talk. If they don’t want to talk, silence is fine. Don’t chatter or engage them in conversation – it is tiring for them. If they doze off while you’re there, that’s okay, too. Just sit quietly.

“How many of us are comfortable sitting in silence?” Ms Napier said. “If we are silent, it gives that person a chance to say something. It gives a lot of opportunity for important things to come out.”

5) Do not console them if they cry. Tears are cleansing for the body, mind, and soul, release stress, and promote relaxation. Offering tissues (without them asking), or words like “There, there, don’t cry,” though well-intentioned, are really saying “Don’t cry.”

“How many of us run for the tissue box when someone cries?” Ms Napier said. “What we’re really saying to them is ‘don’t cry.’”

6) Encourage them to express their feelings. For example, if your sick friend or loved one says that they are afraid of dying, don’t ignore their comment, change the subject, or tell them “Oh, no, you’re not dying, don’t talk like that.” Rather, say something like, “That must be a scary feeling.” This allows them to talk if they choose to.

“How many times, if they say ‘I wish I was dead,’ do we say, ‘Oh, you don’t mean that’?” Ms Napier said. “Most of the time they’re just feeling hopeless and despondent. Say something like ‘Is it really that bad?’ or ‘You must be hurting if you say you want to die.’

“For a lot of people there are feelings that really upset us,” she noted. “We don’t want them to cry because we don’t want to cry. They’re touching on our grief.

“If you make a connection with someone, if they cry, you may want to cry. That’s okay. We’re afraid of feelings in our society,” Ms Napier said. “If we’re not feeling anger or sadness, it’s also stopping us from feeling joy.”

Ms Napier said she often felt like crying when someone else was crying. “I had to get in touch with my own sadness. I don’t quite fall apart anymore.”

7) If they express anger about their condition, their doctor, treatment, the hospital staff, etc, you might say something like, “It sounds like you are angry.” If you can accept that they are angry, you can make it easier for them to express, accept, and move through their feelings.

8) Pain is subjective. Even though you, or someone else you know, may have had the same surgery or illness, everyone’s experience is completely different. If they choose to talk about their pain, allow them to feel it and express it by accepting and believing that they do hurt. Do not minimize someone else’s pain.

“By saying you understand, you minimize their pain,” Ms Napier said. “If you haven’t dealt with your own, you don’t want to hear it. Say, ‘Tell me about it. How does it feel?’ What you’re saying is ‘You have a right to your feelings, your grief, or your rage.’ Feelings are not who we are. They do not define us. There is nothing wrong with honoring the grief. Do not give advice – they want people to listen.”

9) If they ask you for feedback, be as honest as you can be. Do not give advice, rather speak in the first person. If you are feeling sad or scared, express those feelings. If you feel that you should be doing something for them, you might say, “I’m feeling helpless.” If you don’t know what to say, you might say, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Be honest,” Ms Napier said. “ Say something like ‘I wish I could do something.’”

10) “Do this if you’re comfortable with it, and the person has agreed,” Ms Napier said.

Try gently laying your hand on an area that they say is painful or tense. Just make gentle contact by touching the person as you would a newborn baby. Do not massage, push, pull, or manipulate. Gentle contact is all that is needed. If your friend or loved one does not want to be touched or asks you to stop touching at any time, honor their wishes.

If your friend or loved one is confused, unresponsive verbally, or in a coma, holding a hand or gentle touch is appropriate. Talk quietly and honestly with that person. Even though they may not respond, there have been many instances of recovered patients who have reported hearing their loved ones’ words and feeling their touch while in comas.

“They have done studies of people in comas that have proven that the people hear us when we speak to them,” Ms Napier said.

“Put your hands on where the pain or tension is,” she said. “I listen with my hands, my heart, and my ears. Try to keep people in the present.

“Touch is very therapeutic,” Ms Napier said. “You must nurture that pain, and rock that grieving or painful part of us.”

Ms Napier founded the Living Arts Studio, a center for self-discovery and creative expression. She lectures and coordinates workshops on touch as an additional tool in the field of healthcare. She has taught at Norwalk Community Technical College on “Touch in Healthcare” and as clinical instructor for the Certified Nurse’s Aide Program. Her book is available through Amazon.com.

To learn about upcoming Lunch and Learn programs, contact Hilda DeLucia at 203-364-3127.