By Kim J. Harmon

Imagine yourself stuck out in the middle of a football field – all alone out there on the 20 yard line while a punt tumbles through the air, while 11 slavering, maniacal mountains of flesh thunderously pound the turf as they rumble towards you, while thousands of people in the stands scream and cheer and take side bets on whether or not your head will still be attached to your body in three more seconds . . .

Now imagine you are unable to wake up.

Imagine that it’s real.

(Okay, breathe normally . . . that’s right, easy does it)

 

If you are ready for that type of mayhem then you are ready for the XFL.

(The logos at the left, which are copyrighted symbols of the XFL, depict the San Francisco Demons, Chicago Enforcers, New York/New Jersey Hitmen, Memphis Maniax, Las Vegas Outlaws, Orlando Rage, Birmingham Thunderbolts, and the Los Angeles Xtreme)

 

Yep, the Xtreme Football League – the brainchild of Vince McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation and Dick Ebersol of NBC – will debut tonight (Friday) when the New York/New Jersey Hitmen battle the Las Vegas Outlaws and Chicago Enforcers rough it up with the Orlando Rage. Then on Saturday, the Memphis Maniax will butt helmets with the Birmingham Thunderbolts as the Los Angeles Xtreme and San Francisco Demons, not to put too fine a point on it, exchange their own pleasantries.

The casualties will, presumably, be listed on Sunday pending notification of the next of kin.

Prepare yourself – this is a WHACKED out version of the National Football League and, actually, seems to be an amalgamation of the NFL and the WWF where the emphasis is on violence and bloodletting (which, according to McMahon, is the kind of real football the NFL has gotten away from).

No fair catches.

Punts over 25 yards are free balls.

No extra points kicks.

Quarterbacks are free game (or dead meat, whichever).

It sounds like utter madness, doesn’t it? But whether we want to believe it or not, the XFL is (supposedly) going to be real football played by real football players (who, albeit, washed out of the NFL, the CFL, NFL Europe and most likely the East Tuscaloosa Flag Football League) and the casinos in Las Vegas, Nevada are taking it seriously enough that betting lines are being issued (as if that should be a surprise).

Yep, it will be real football alright – until, that is, someone like The Rock walks out onto the field wearing spandex, no shirt, and a helmet to play quarterback.

Then it will just be craziness.

Me, I’m going to watch the first weekend just to see what the heck it is all about. I watched the old World Football League and United States Football League and I watched the early version of the NFL’s World League of American Football like I watched them all tank, I’m probably going to watch the XFL tank, too.

I will admit, though, it has a shot.

A slim one.

Because if there is one thing Vince McMahon knows how to do it is put on a spectacle. That’s what the WWF is – a whacked out, crazy spectacle – a that’s why the WWF literally CRUSHES the Monday Night Football game every week in that critical male 18 to 35 age group.

If McMahon creates that same type of spectacle in the XFL, it has a shot. But I’m sure the real football fans will not hang around to see the league degenerate into the kind of controlled insanity that takes over on WWF.

Like coaches taunting each other on the field before the game.

Like somebody slipping a folding chair out onto the field to whack a quarterback.

Like two cheerleaders wrestling at midfield during a timeout.

Like McMahon and Ebersol deciding to hold the XFL Championship game as a steel cage death match.

Now that would be something, wouldn’t it?