Date: Fri 05-Mar-1999

Publication: Bee

Author: SHANNO

Quick Words:

brides-children

Full Text:

BRIDES: Kidding Around-- Set Realistic Goals When Including Children

(with photo)

By Caron Golden

Copley News Service

It's your big day and you want your brother's four little kids to celebrate it

with you, not just as attendants in the ceremony, but at the formal dinner

reception for 150 people you have planned directly after.

You've rented a lovely little restaurant, ordered the meal, the flowers, the

drinks... everything's just about set. All that's left are the seating

arrangements.

What To Do With Those Kids?

Bingo! Your sister-in-law's sister, Julia. She's single and adores the kids as

much as you do. As it happens, you run into her at a family function and she

asks how the planning is going.

Great, you tell her. In fact, I've just done the seating and I've put you at

the table with the kids so you can watch them. That way Susan and Bob can

enjoy themselves at the head table. There will be a couple at the table with

their own two little ones. You'll have lots to talk about...

You're so thrilled with having resolved this that you don't even notice

Julia's frozen smile. It's just another to-do item you have been able to check

off an over-long list.

Kids at weddings are a thorny issue, says Millie Bratten, the editor-in-chief

of Bride's magazine.

"For some, a wedding is not a wedding without family and friends. For others,

it's an occasion for adults only."

Usually, children are not invited to evening weddings because they tire easily

and the event goes on late. Even at afternoon weddings, a young child can

quickly lose patience and distract from the matter at hand.

But if you are one of those people for whom a wedding naturally includes some

kids, here are some tips for making sure that everyone, including the Julias

in your family, have a good time.

The Wedding Party

That little flower girl or ring bearer is a treasure, but a trip down the

aisle will generally work well only if she or he is at least four or five

years old, advises Ms Bratten. Assuming that you've asked the child and he or

she agrees, here are some ideas for making the march go more smoothly:

Select clothes that will be comfortable for them to wear.

Have them practice their parts and get comfortable with the site. Make sure

you tell them what they can expect.

Seat the parents on the aisle in one of the front pews to offer encouragement,

but also have someone they know and trust in the back to get them started.

Once they have made it down the aisle, seat them with their parents.

If something goes wrong and they refuse or burst into tears, don't force the

issue. Take them out and continue with the ceremony.

Be sure to thank the children for their role with a little necklace, stuffed

animal or other appropriate gift. Thank the parents with a photo of their

child walking down the aisle.

The Reception

Most people, if they are planning on having children at the wedding, will plan

an afternoon event so the kids can enjoy it.

If the children are included as attendants but not invited to the reception,

arrange for a sitter to take them home or to their hotel if the parent is

unfamiliar with the area. If children are going to be included in your

reception, make sure you provide a comfortable environment for them, too.

There are two issues here: One is that the parents can enjoy the company of

other adults. The second is that the children have a space where they can have

a good time and let off some steam if necessary.

That means you should:

Set up a children's table and hire somebody to supervise them, perhaps a

babysitter the children already know and are comfortable with. Don't assume

you can ask a guest, even a close relative, to perform child care.

If it is possible and makes sense, see if you can have the children in another

room, but close by, with a babysitter.

However you choose to handle it, be sure to include the children in photos

with the bride and groom and have periodic visits with them so they know they

are important to the party.

No Children, Please

What if you don't want kids at the wedding? How can you be diplomatic about

that?

Ms Bratten has a couple of suggestions.

Make sure you address the invitation to the adults.

If you are asked directly by a parent if kids are included, be graceful about

saying no. "We love your kids but this will be an adults-only reception. Can

we get together with them another time?"

Sometimes, however, the best-laid plans are tossed by a harried parent

carrying in a baby.

"People generally do that because they don't have a place to leave the infant

or don't know who to entrust her to," observes Ms Bratten.

You can circumvent that by offering in advance to make arrangements for child

care if a would-be guest protests that she'd love to come but can't leave the

child. If guests come with the child anyway, well, be gracious, welcome them

to the party and go on.