Date: Fri 21-Jul-1995

Publication: Hea

Author: ANDREA

Illustration: I

Quick Words:

Hospice-children-grieving

Full Text:

Regional Hospice Offers Support and Understanding To Grieving Children

Spinoza The Bear will assist The Reverend Judy Kipnis and social worker Debbie

Ryan in making announcements and communicating important messages about grief

to children who participate in Regional Hospice's new center for bereavement

in Danbury. -Zimmermann Photo

B Y A NDREA Z IMMERMANN

There is no time limit that can be placed on bereavement - just because the

funeral is over does not mean the myriad feelings relating to grief simply "go

away." And there is not any one way to express grief. The only generality

seems to be that there is work to be done in a healthy grieving process, and

children who are trying to understand what they feel can often help each

other. Regional Hospice of Western Connecticut, Inc. has recognized the

special needs of children who have experienced the loss of a parent, sibling,

other significant family member, or perhaps even a close friend. The

non-profit agency has recently established the Bereavement Support Center for

Children and Families which will open the first week in August in space

donated by the adult day care facility Almost Family at 54 Federal Road,

Danbury. Until now, area children and families have not had a local support

group to help them express their loss. Of the few such centers in the state,

the closest ones to Newtown are in Darien and Greenwich.

Modelled after the acclaimed Dougy Center For Grieving Children in Portland,

Ore., the center is one of only a few in the state specifically designed to

address the special needs of children. Those aged 3 to 19, accompanied by a

parent, guardian or designated adult, are eligible to participate in the

center. Children who experience a death in their family may feel that everyone

close to them is going to die and need reassurance that there will always be

someone to take care of them. They also need a great deal of explanation

because children often confuse reality with fantasy, according to a Dougy

Center spokesperson.

In its Principles Of How Young People Grieve , the Dougy Center says children

face three tasks in grief recover: to understand that the person is dead, to

feel the feelings about the person dying, and to go on living and loving after

the person has died. But they need the assistance of the adults in their life

to be able to do that.

"The family is a grieving unit," said The Reverend Judy Kipnis, bereavement

coordinator and program administrator of the new Hospice Bereavement Center.

So the more family members who participate in the program the more effective

it will be. "A person who is young is influenced by the family."

Mentored by trained volunteers, children will be placed in small groups

according to age. The function of the volunteers is to help kids in the

learning process, not tell them what to think, said Rev Kipnis. For instance,

they might help children relate to the play materials, make connections, and

encourage them to talk to one another.

"Kids take care of kids - they speak the same language," said one of the key

staff members at the Dougy Center during a televised interview. "They are

helped by trained volunteers, but mostly by other children."

Embracing this idea, Regional Hospice has organized its program into

age-appropriate groups. Three to five year-olds will meet together one hour

each week. Older children, separated into groups of six to ten year-olds, 11

to 14 year-olds, and 15 to 19 year-olds, will meet once every 2 weeks for 1 1

/ 2 hours.

Trained by the director of the Dougy Program, Rev Kipnis and social worker

Debbie Ryan will supervise the program. At least one of the two will be at the

center during programs to "trouble-shoot, offer advice to volunteers, set up

equipment, answer questions, and participate in the opening and closing

circles," said Rev Kipnis.

Although play therapy, working in clay, and talking in a group may be helpful

to any age in expressing grief, the coordinator for the bereavement center

recognizes that certain developmental stages relate directly to how a child

understands his environment.

In 1991, when Rev Kipnis was doing research in the area of thanatology, she

found there were not many people writing about child development. Since that

time, well respected texts written 30 or more years ago have been updated and

republished. "How do three year-olds think? What do they feel and understand?"

said Rev Kipnis. "They work with time in bits and pieces. It is not a

consecutive experience which influences another piece."

So when an adult says to them, "Daddy is not coming back anymore," this may

not have much meaning for them because they do not grasp the concept of time.

"Children [in the bereavement group for that age] will begin to teach each

other what time is" through sharing experiences, said Rev Kipnis. "This will

empower them to feel in control of the situation."

Drawing exercises to recognize the range of emotions in self as well as

others, may also assist children and teens, alike. "The only emotion [kids]

tend to recognize is anger," said Rev Kipnis.

Anger, one of the most predominant emotions that errupts after a death in the

family and one of the major blocks to "getting on with grieving," can be

expressed physically in a constructive and appropriate way, according to the

coordinator. She hopes to have a special room set up, similar to the Volcano

Room at the Dougy Center, where children can hit padded walls, punch sand

bags, or find another way to safely express themselves. "It's a way of dealing

with strong irrational feelings," she said, adding that participation in

sports can also release physical energy and build self esteem.

During the center programs, parents and children will be together at the

opening and close of each program meeting, but then the adults will break off

into their own support group to express grief and fears, and learn how to best

help their children cope with a death in the family.

"We work with parents to help expand their understanding of life and death,"

said Rev Kipnis. "There are no specific ideas , only ways of thinking. We

learn how to evaluate what we hear, how to work that into our own lives."

Although the group does not promote any one way of thinking, the topic of

death naturally leads to questions regarding religion and spirituality, said

the program coordinator. "And you have to let kids explore that," she said.

For example, a young child may have been told that, "Daddy is with the

angels." She may express to the facilitator that she thinks it's much better

to be with angels and that she, herself, wants to die. Although the child may

not be seriously considering suicide, "the facilitator and child needs to talk

about it, and make some distinctions between daddy, angels, and the

afterlife," said Rev Kipnis.

"Any educational experience that involves reflecting on death and the

afterlife will conflict with any belief that says, `This is the only way to

think about it,'" said Rev Kipnis. But not too many people in the US think

there is only one perspective, she added.

It is important to have all the children in the family involved in the

center's program because friction often develops between siblings when someone

dies, said Rev Kipnis. A younger child will miss what a mother did for him ,

as well as miss her as a person. Each time she's not there to prepare lunch or

read a bedtime story - those things she had always done - the child

experiences a temporary surge of grief. "And that's okay," said the center

coordinator. An older teen might not miss being nurtured by a parent as much

as he will be affected by the loss of a mentor if the deceased is of the same

sex as the youth.

In a group at the bereavement center, each child will have the opportunity to

speak if he wishes, or he can "pass."

No Time Limit

Forty families have already expressed interest in participating in Regional

Hospice's Bereavement Center. The center staff will explain the program and

the expections to those interested on July 26 and 27.

Families are generally in this type of program for 18 months, but there is no

time limit on participation. One of the factors that influences the grieving

process is how long the family member has been dead before the survivors come

to the center and how long they have struggled to express bereavement.

"There are no fees," said Rev Kipnis. "We tell people what it costs and ask

them to donate that amount each month. We expect that they will make a

donation, but we will not turn people away..."

The coordinator said the fees may be similar to the Dougy Center, which

charges $67 per month, per family. And any grieving family, even those outside

the agency's eight-town service area, is eligible to participate in the

bereavement center. They must, however, be committed to the program, she

added. Regional Hospice of Western Connecticut, established in 1983, also

provides an in-home care program of palliative and supportive services for

patients with life limiting illnesses and their famlies for those living in

Bethel, Brookfield, Danbury, New Fairfield, Newtown, Redding, Ridgefield, and

Southbury. Services include, 24-hour, 7-day-a-week access to a medical

professional, continuous care, in patient/respite care, education, support and

special programs. Its focus is on comfort-oriented treatment and care through

a coordinated team approach.

For more information on joining or volunteering for the new Bereavement

Support Center, or to find out about any other program offered by Regional

Hospice, call Donata Marcus at 797-1685.