Going For The Grandparent Gold

To the Editor:

Attention all grandparents! Are you sitting there watching the Olympics and becoming more and more jealous of all those young, skilled athletes? Well, here it is, what every grandparent has been waiting for, ten Olympic events we can actually do! Good luck, but remember, even if you don’t win a medal, you’re a grandparent so you’re automatically winners to your grandchildren.

Best Spoiler — Athlete will be required to lavish all manner of goodies, i.e. snacks, late nights, behaviors not otherwise accepted, on grandchild. The most blatant wins the gold.

Best Boo-Boo Fixer — Athlete will perform basic first aid on a variety of real or imagined ailments ranging from bumps and bruises to full-blown projectile vomiting with good humor and bringing about an instant cure. Neither puke, blood, diarrhea, nor snot will detract the athlete from his/her appointed task.

Most Durable — Athlete will subject him/her self to a variety of physical tasks such as allowing grandchild to jump on his/her stomach from back of couch, endlessly pushing child on swing, allowing child to ride him/her horse style, etc.

Funniest — Athlete will perform a number of utterly ridiculous tasks such as jumping around like an ape, laughing funny, making faces, etc. The grandparent who makes his/her grandchild laugh so hard they wet themselves wins the gold.

Best Actor — The athlete will be required to assume a number of different roles with a variety of identities. For example a grandfather might be required to act the part of a 3-year-old child named Keila and almost instantly have to change into a naughty school boy of undetermined age named Aiden.

Best Story Reader — The athlete will read the same story at least 100 times without a single variation. The person who can do this with the same level of interest each time wins the gold.

Best Game Player — The athlete will be required to play a number of games, never once following the actual rules except those imposed by the child. The child will always win. This task could also be used for the “Spoiling Event.”

Best Boogie-Man Chaser — The athlete who comes up with the most imaginative means of convincing without a doubt that there is no boogie man in the closet wins the gold.

Best Good Sport — The athlete will allow him/her self to be humiliated or play a role that is of the utmost embarrassment, i.e.. if it’s a grandfather, he will allow the child to dress him up as a girl, put lipstick, hair curlers, eye makeup, mascara, etc, on him.

Lightest Sleeper — This is a timed test. The grandparent who awakens the fastest when a sleeping grandchild does just about anything wins the gold.

Good luck,

George Stockwell

Grandparent

57 Bennetts Bridge Road, Sandy Hook                 February 18 2010