Putting Children First Is Goal Of Family Counseling Center Classes

By Nancy K. Crevier

“It used to be, at least in the 60s and 70s when I was growing up, the thinking was that what was best for the parents [so far as divorce was concerned] was best for the kids,” said Elise Trock, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and clinical director of the Family Counseling Center (FCC) in Newtown.

The research of Dr Judith Wallerstein, considered one of the nation’s leading experts on divorce, proved otherwise, though. Dr Wallerstein published what has become known as the California Children’s Divorce Study, which studied the effects of divorce on 131 California families and children over a period of more than 20 years beginning in the early 1970s. “Children are not as resilient as it was once thought,” said Ms Trock.

Based on the pioneering research into children and families affected by divorce, Connecticut Governor Lowell Weicker in 1993 signed into law the Act Concerning Parent Education, which was the start of putting children of divorce first, Ms Trock said. State law now requires that all divorcing parents complete a six-hour program designed to provide children a positive transition during a difficult period of their lives.

Family Counseling Center provides the child-focused curriculum called “Putting Children 1st” throughout the year, according to demand, said Ms Trock. Two trained facilitators, Mandy Tolson and Amy Singer, both licensed clinical social workers, guide the groups of 10 to 15 adults through the curriculum during a six-hour Saturday session or two consecutive three-hour Monday evening sessions.

The curriculum, training, and evaluation programs used statewide were developed by the Connecticut Family Service Agency, based on research that indicated divorce was far more traumatic to children than once realized.

“The focus of the groups is on the fact that divorce is mainly about loss for children,” said Ms Trock. “They lose the familiar situation of parents together, even if the parents are fighting. They lose that ‘anchor’ or ‘base.’ There can be a loss of the home environment if they have to move, a loss of friends and the school connection. They can even lose extended family and, of course, they lose time with a parent.”

The course is designed to help parents talk to their children on the proper age level in order to help the children move on. “You organize your feelings by talking,” Ms Trock explained, “and the group offers suggestions for how parents should talk to kids.”

Children at different developmental stages experience divorce quite differently. Putting Children 1st addresses what those issues are and the warning signs of poor adjustment for age groups from birth to young adult.

“Divorce is a very hard, very painful time for couples,” Ms Trock said. “This program tends to see that if couples can focus on what is happening with their children, they can help their children adjust to loss.”

Each participant in Putting Children 1st receives a guide outlining useful skills for discussing divorce with children. “Reassurance” is a word that recurs repeatedly in the manual, as is “acceptance.” Understanding that a 10-year-old might react to the news of divorce by becoming anxious or uncooperative is helpful for a parent to know, whereas a young teenager may be more apt to “act out” feelings of powerlessness and insecurity by engaging in unacceptable behavior. Older teens are more apt to choose sides and appropriate parental responses for each of these reactions is highlighted in the manual and discussed during the session.

For all age groups, said Ms Trock, abandonment issues are not uncommon. The important message parents must send their children, she said, is that even though a marriage is ending, parents never “divorce” their children. “Children need to know that parents don’t stop loving their kids,” she said.

As a general rule, the Family Counseling Center suggests that children are told about the divorce when it is definite and before any changes take place. Older children will need time to process the information and bring back questions before changes are brought about. Repeated separations and reconciliations are confusing and frightening for children, and the program advises that parents try not to get into that cycle.

The news about divorce should be delivered gently, as well. “Parents should avoid extremes of emotions. It’s okay if a few tears are shed, but there should not be any yelling or shouting. Be calm and be nonblaming,” advised Ms Trock.

Some children are not willing or able to express their feelings. The class offers suggestions for parents to communicate effectively and sensitively with children. Parents are taught to give information and use “I” phrases to describe feelings and to describe a problem without criticizing. Other children can be reached through notes or phone calls or through the use of “I wonder” questions. Parents are also reminded that patience always pays off when dealing with children’s emotions. “It never hurts for a parent to start the conversation,” said Ms Trock.

Even though the group is together for just six hours, Ms Trock sees how helpful it can be to parents going through a rough time. In the group, she said, people realize they are not alone and that their situation may not be as bad as they imagine it to be. For those who are experiencing a particularly difficult time, the group offers valuable support. “The group is focused on the children’s needs. We do see couples who come and are trying to work things through for what is best for the kids. That is a very difficult thing to do,” she said.

Because the class is required by law, there are clients who are reluctant members of the group. Paying for an involuntary program also does not sit well with some of the parents, even though the cost of $125 charged by the Family Counseling Center is determined by the court system. “A certain percentage doesn’t like the idea that they are mandated to take the class,” Ms Trock admitted. But, she said, even the recalcitrant ones frequently leave the class feeling that they have taken away valuable information.

“It was definitely hard to focus on my daughter [when we were going through the divorce],” said one parent who has gone through the six hours of counseling. “My ex-wife and I went together and to go to counseling and sit face to face with the person you’re getting divorced from is hard.” His daughter was 4 years old when he and his wife divorced. “I learned one or two things about my daughter that were useful, but after two hours, there wasn’t much to be said.” He said that he did pick up pointers, though, on what to say to his daughter to help her be comfortable with the divorce and in adjusting to the changes. “But six hours was too much.”

Parent Education Program statistics for 2005 for Putting Children 1st, however, indicate that the majority of those required to enroll found the program valuable; 93.8 percent of those who responded to the evaluation said that the program was valuable to separating parents and 95.5 percent felt the they had received helpful information for understanding the needs and reactions of children to parental separation.

More than 25 percent of the respondents to the 2005 survey felt that more class time would have been useful. Family Counseling Center is often asked for referrals for further therapy when the six hours required by law are completed, said Ms Trock.

Another area father who attended the class when his marriage broke up was not put out so much by the cost of the class or the time involved, as by the fact that, in his opinion, “It puts the cart before the horse. More efforts and resources should be put into counseling before a divorce happens,” said this parent, who also wished to remain anonymous. “It is marital counseling that should be mandated. More effort should go toward keeping marriages together, not trying to fix children after a family has broken up.”

He did admit, however, that the program gave him food for thought. “I gained an appreciation of other people’s circumstances and it makes you think about your children more. People are at different places in a divorce when they take the class, so sometimes it is hard to put the children first,” he said. “I did try to make decisions that benefited my children and not me, but it isn’t always easy to do.”

 Putting children first is not easy in the best of circumstances, but Ms Trock sees that parents who go through the counseling process when divorcing make more of an effort to do so. “Parents now,” said Ms Trock, “are more thoughtful and aware of the impact of divorce on children.”

For information on Parent Education Programs at Family Counseling Center, call 426-8103, extension 100, Monday through Friday from 9 am to 4 pm.