Full Text:

IF THESE ARE THE CHRISTIANS...

B Y B ILL C OLLINS

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John,

Find me votes to count upon;

Only Christians, if you please,

I don't want that pagan sleaze.

A friend of ours in Fairfield recently received a disquieting piece of mail.

The bold print on the envelope read, "Jury duty notice." We've all been

through that. Talk about mixed emotions!

The envelope also said "Official Business," not to mention, "Penalty for

unlawful use," and "U.S. Code Title 18, Sec. 1702." Those are pretty powerful

incentives to open it up. Only the most jaundiced recipient would have noticed

the postmark, "Mailed from Zip Code 19014." Or the tiny bulk mail code.

Thus our friend did indeed open it, which he might well not have done had it

been truthfully labeled. Inside, the message turned out to be a pitch from the

Coalition of Politically Active Christians (COPAC), signed by former

Congressman William Dannemeyer.

This was not, however, a message of peace and love. No readings from the

Sermon on the Mount. Instead, Mr Dannemeyer linked President Clinton to "drug

running, bribery, extortion, murder, cocaine use, obstruction of justice, and

using taxpayer funds to support Clinton's voracious sexual appetite."

Some, even Republicans, would consider these charges a trifle harsh.

Especially the assertion that "Clinton is a heavy cocaine user." Others of us

might have trouble believing that he actually "set up a state agency in

Arkansas for the specific purpose of laundering drug money. " But, who knows?

The "jury," which our friend was invited to join, is kind of informal. Anyone

can sign up. Actually it's a "grand jury." Its job is to hand down an

indictment against the President for his felonious acts. It's to urge Special

Prosecutor Kenneth Starr to get cracking.

Much to our friend's relief, this jury does not actually meet. He could

fulfill his civic obligation by simply sending money. There is a category for

$1,000-givers, but $25 gets you a blockbuster video expose of America's First

Felon. You can also sign up with a long-distance phone company, which donates

10 percent of its billings to COPAC. The flyer omits any reference to rates,

or to where the other 90 percent goes.

The purpose of COPAC comes hardly as a surprise. It aims to "elect pro-family,

pro-life, Godly men and women of integrity, to public office." Perhaps men and

women who would not send out their election appeals falsely labeled as jury

duty notices. At any rate, COPAC defines its work as training and electing

Godly Christian men an women. Jews, presumably, need not apply. One wonders,

if this is the way Christians operate, what on earth must the pagans be up to?

But you needn't claim stalwart religious faith to be politically busy these

days. Sure, the election may be just over, but the next one is right around

the corner. And no, we're not talking about Connecticut's upcoming local

races. Who cares about them? We're talking about governor. John Rowland has

already raised a $250,000 for 1998.

Demonstrating that there is often little honor among even Christian

politicians, Mr Rowland held his first fundraiser back on September 12. At

that time, his main man, Bob Dole, was still trying to squeeze the last few

bucks out of fellow Republicans for his own race. You won't be surprised

either to learn that ticket prices for events so far have run from $500 to

$2,500 or that the big contributors come from some familiar places: US

Tobacco, Philip Morris, Champion International, Foxwoods, Northeast Utilities,

and miscellaneous lobbyists.

What's that?! You say you weren't invited to any of those parties! Call me -

I'll see what I can do. Better yet, call your legislators. Tell them to end

this vile selling of our government.