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Remembering Noah Pozner

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December 14, 2017, will mark five years without loved ones for families of children and educators killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The Newtown Bee will share remembrances of victims of 12/14 throughout the fall, written by family members or with the assistance of staff at The Newtown Bee. Not all families care to participate, and we respect that. Here, Veronique Pozner, shares her letter to Noah.

To my Little Noah,

I live my life under water. Murky water. I want to die a thousand deaths like the coward that I am for simply not having known that day. For blindly going to work and carrying on my daily tasks with no prescience of the horror to come. Where was my sixth sense, my mother's intuition? And now, living with a soul amputation, like the zombie I've become. Trying to hold it together with weak glue for my girls, when all of the world's colors have been sucked out. Inside, I scream and howl like a wolf in pain. And there is no pause button. Yet for all my lamenting, for all the magnitude of a loss that defies comprehension, what YOU lost was the greatest tragedy of all.

You never got to grow up. That happy little boy never became a man. Your life cycle was never completed; just a little bleep on a screen now forever black.

Remember the fifth anniversary of your death? Yes, that one, like I remember the anniversary of your disappearance from this world every minute of every day since the morning of 12/14/12. For me, time is irrelevant when it comes to loss. There are no milestones. What is lost remains so. I wish I had transcendental words of enlightenment, but my only accomplishment in these last five years is putting one foot in front of the other, day after day.

Because that is what you would want me to do.

I love you, Little Man.

Mommy

Noah Samuel Pozner
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