From middle age onward, men experience many of the same changes that women do: parents grow old and needy; children leave home and a new, adult relationship with them must be built; marriage is reassessed; jobs are reconsidered. A woman, at these transition points, will seek out the input of others. She will involve herself in groups of women like herself, try new things and ask herself — and all of her friends — questions to which there are no easy answers. She is not afraid to enter new territory, but it is frequently done after days, weeks, months or years of introspection.

Go to events offered through town agencies or the C. H. Booth Library, and more often than not, the attendees are middle-aged women. “If it’s an event led by a man, there will be more men in attendance,” observes Kim Weber, director of adult programs at the library. The travelogues and independent film series also draw more men, as does the evening group book discussion. But offer a cooking class, a writing class, a dance class or  a painting class, and she will see a sea of feminine faces. If the class involves any need to get in touch with oneself, Ms Weber can pretty much guarantee a matriarchal rule to the crowd.

“There is much more soul-searching and a sense of community develops more quickly,” Ms Weber says, of the groups peopled by women.

Where are the middle-aged men that go with these middle-aged women? When men gather, what are they seeking, and how do they go about finding it?

The stereotype of the middle-aged man is one of a careless buffoon who throws caution to the winds, buys himself a sports car and roars off into the sunset with a new trophy wife on his arm and a bottle of wine jammed into the seat between them.

“Men are starkly different [from middle aged women],” says Pam Hochstetter, owner of Inner Artist in Bridgewater, where she assists men and women in “inner revitalization.” She says, “Men will act out. Men might do the more unhealthful choice because it’s the socially acceptable thing. The are self-medicating.” She believes that men are spiritually in pain, “But how safe, how okay would most men feel about going to a group, going to an expressive painting group? Most men tough it out.”

When they do seek introspection, Ms Hochstetter sees that they find it in music, cars or mechanical things. “They are channeling their energy and finding community in socially acceptable vehicles, such as these clubs, bands or jam sessions.”

Prill Boyle, author of Defying Gravity, spoke this fall at the Booth Library on the transformations women make at middle age. She is currently researching a companion book focused on men. What she has found so far, is that men make transitions much more slowly. “Men have to segueway slowly form a profession they may not like to what they love,” she says. “As a rule, men tend to wait until well into retirement for a chance to “play.” Men’s identities are so wrapped up in their job, it’s much more difficult to listen to the inner longings; especially when the inner longings conflict with the archtype of “maleness.”

Men do evolve, though, she notes. With the demographics changing so much, (“The average age of death has increased by three months each year since 1850,”) men realize they could have a good 30 more years left on the face of the earth. Golfing just isn’t enough.

Howard Gorham and Gordon Williams,  both over 60 years old, belong to book discussion groups in Newtown.  While they agree that there is a sense of fellowship that develops, neither believes the groups serves as more than an opportunity to learn, or to connect how a book might be related to our society at large.

Says Mr Gorham, “Men aren’t trying to find out who they are. By now they know who they are.”

“It’s chummy,” says Mr Williams of the book group that has gathered in each other’s homes for 18 years. We share some things and there are moments when you get at really gutty things. But if we segueway, it’s into town things and world events.”

Mr Gorham initiated the non-fiction book club he belongs to five years ago, when after retiring from his third profession, he found himself with time to commit to reading. “I wanted to learn, sort of give myself  ‘mini-courses’,” he says. Initially he contacted other male friends he knew, but the group, which meets monthly at the library, is not exclusive. There are women who are club members, too.

“The number one concern for the men in our book club is taking care of themselves and their wives,” Mr Gorham says. “I think men are still protecting the front of the cave, if you will, keeping out the wild animals.”

When men gather, Mr Gorham notices, it is not to delve deeply into their inner feelings. They will get down to the business at hand or lend a hand on a project that helps someone else. “A lot of men want to help others, define problems and do it,” he believes. “Men are more outward directed.”

“I say on the whole, the evolution is not to just stay in ‘self,’” says Ruth Schofield, a private family and marriage therapist from Newtown. “At a higher level of ‘self’ it is richer, fuller, more, when connected to ‘others.’” So men, the “hunters,” go out in teams to aid others, or to socialize. “However,” she adds, “not everyone is social and those [who are not] need to be true to themselves.”