And It’s Not Just The Sports Car—

Middle Age Stresses Approached Differently By Men And Women

By Nancy K. Crevier

From middle age onward, men experience many of the same changes that women do: parents grow old and needy; children leave home and a new, adult relationship with them must be built; marriage is reassessed; jobs are reconsidered.

A woman, at these transition points, will seek out the input of others. She will involve herself in groups of women like herself, try new things and ask herself — and all of her friends — questions to which there are no easy answers. She is not afraid to enter new territory, but it is frequently done after days, weeks, months, or years of introspection.

Go to events offered through town agencies or C.H. Booth Library, and more often than not, the attendees are middle-aged women. “If it’s an event led by a man, there will be more men in attendance,” observes Kim Weber, director of adult programs at the library. The travelogs and independent film series also draw more men, as does the evening group book discussion. But offer a cooking class, a writing class, a dance class, or a painting class, and she will see a sea of feminine faces. If the class involves any need to get in touch with oneself, Ms Weber can pretty much guarantee a matriarchal crowd.

“There is much more soul-searching and a sense of community develops more quickly,” Ms Weber says of the groups peopled by women.

Where are the middle-aged men that go with these middle-aged women? When men gather, what are they seeking, and how do they go about finding it?

The stereotype of the middle-aged man is one of a careless buffoon who throws caution to the wind, buys himself a sports car, and roars off into the sunset with a new trophy wife on his arm and a bottle of wine jammed into the seat between them.

“Men are starkly different [from middle aged women],” says Pam Hochstetter, owner of Inner Artist in Bridgewater, where she assists men and women in “inner revitalization.” She says, “Men will act out. Men might do the more unhealthful choice because it’s the socially acceptable thing. They are self-medicating.” She believes that men are spiritually in pain, “But how safe, how okay would most men feel about going to a group, going to an expressive painting group? Most men tough it out.”

When they do seek introspection, Ms Hochstetter sees that they find it in music, cars, or mechanical things. “They are channeling their energy and finding community in socially acceptable vehicles, such as these clubs, bands, or jam sessions.”

What is confusing for women is that as they enter middle age, the men in their lives do not appear to be driven to reassess their own lives, too.

 “Men and women are on a different time schedule [in middle age],” says Kathryn Krecker, a marriage and family therapist in Sandy Hook. “Men are still focused on their career and come along a little later.” What can happen, she says, is that couples can feel a little out of sync with each other during this period of their relationship. Middle age is a normal pattern and does not need to be viewed as a “crisis,” however. Indeed, the majority of men in and beyond middle age see this period in their lives as an opportunity to reestablish family relationships and to reach out to others.

Prill Boyle, author of Defying Gravity, spoke this fall at Booth Library on the transformations women make at middle age. She is currently researching a companion book focused on men. What she has found so far is that men make transitions much more slowly. “Men have to segue slowly from a profession they may not like to what they love,” she says. “As a rule, men tend to wait until well into retirement for a chance to ‘play.’ Men’s identities are so wrapped up in their job, it’s much more difficult to listen to the inner longings; especially when the inner longings conflict with the archetype of ‘maleness.’”

Men do evolve, though, she notes. With the demographics changing so much (“The average age of death has increased by three months each year since 1850”), men realize they could have a good 30 more years left on the face of the earth. Golfing just is not enough.

Howard Gorham and Gordon Williams, both over 60 years old, belong to book discussion groups in Newtown. While they agree that there is a sense of fellowship that develops, neither believes the groups serve as more than an opportunity to learn, or to connect how a book might be related to our society at large.

Outward Directed

Mr Gorham initiated the nonfiction book club he belongs to five years ago when, after retiring from his third profession, he found himself with time to commit to reading. “I wanted to learn, sort of give myself ‘minicourses,’” he says. Initially he contacted other male friends he knew, but the group, which meets monthly at the library, is not exclusive. There are women who are club members, too.

“The number one concern for the men in our book club is taking care of themselves and their wives,” Mr Gorham says. “I think men are still protecting the front of the cave, if you will, keeping out the wild animals.”

When men gather, Mr Gorham notices, it is not to delve deeply into their inner feelings. They will get down to the business at hand or lend a hand on a project that helps someone else. “A lot of men want to help others, define problems and do it,” he believes. “Men are more outward directed.”

Says Mr Gorham, “Men aren’t trying to find out who they are. By now they know who they are.”

“It’s chummy,” says Mr Williams of the book group he belongs to that has gathered in each other’s homes for 18 years. “We share some things and there are moments when you get at really gutty things.” He recalls one incident when the club read a book called My Old Man and The Sea by David Hays. “It’s an adventure story and a relationship story. Everyone there had a son. It was amazing what people said about their struggles with their son and their relationship with their son. But it isn’t like that usually. If we segue, it’s into town things and world events.”

As they approach or get well into middle age, are Newtown’s men looking to explore their inner resources or satisfy a deep longing when they are not at work? How satisfied are they with where middle age finds them?

It appears that the men in what would be considered the middle ages of their lives spend a lot of time tending to their families and family activities. Coaching is not an uncommon activity for fathers or sports-oriented guys. They also tend to blow off steam with activities such as basketball, soccer, golf, or racquetball. A little camaraderie and exercise is all they are seeking.

 “Feelings? We don’t want to go there. If we’re going out we just want to run around and chase balls,” say members of a Newtown basketball team made up of middle aged men. The women in their lives, they feel, are more than capable of doing the emoting for them.

Time Is Just Another Player

Newtowner Ted Welsh does not believe men are actively seeking to withhold feelings, but more that it is that men require a more prolonged period of time together and familiarity. Nor is the sharing of concerns a search for great change or answers in their lives.

He is part of a neighborhood poker club and enjoys a good game of golf with the guys in the summer. “The poker club was a neighborhood tradition long before I joined five years ago, though,” says Mr Welsh, a history teacher at Newtown High School. When they gather, he says, they are not seeking revelation or interested in delving deep into each other’s personal lives. “It’s the game that’s important,” he thinks. “There’s not the time to share like when you have days.”

He speaks from experience on that point. Every year, Mr Welsh and several of the friends he grew up with in New York gather for a four-day get-together of camping, golfing, boating, music, cards, and food in what begins as a somewhat raucous, let-loose atmosphere. But as the days flow from one to the next, there is, says Mr Welsh, “an evolution that plays out.” The men take note of how they present themselves to each other, and deeper issues sometimes come to the surface. “It’s not that you don’t want to share [in other situations],” observes Mr Welsh, “It’s more an unawareness that you want to share.”

He feels that despite the fact that his childhood buddies now come from different places with different agendas, the sense of reconnection, versus making a new connection, plus the opportunity to spend a decent span of time together, is key to unlocking the deeper issues. “Time seems to be just another player in the game, not a life changer,” he says. The men gather mainly for the history and fun of who they were and who they have become, yet he adds, “I sometimes think we [men] don’t know that some of our buckets have emptied until we feel them fill again.”

Between the ages of 45 and 60, men are generally still very career oriented. From the anthropological standpoint, says Dan Cruson, town historian and retired history teacher, men continue to mature after women have reached a point where they may no longer consider themselves “sex objects.” Women traditionally are more social and intuitive than are men and function on an emotional level, whereas males are much more reluctant to share. It does not mean they are not looking to better themselves, however, as they enter their later years.

Twenty of Newtown’s men can be found in the Social and Literary Club of Newtown. Since 1894, says Mr Cruson, men have been seeking intellectual stimulation and the chance for some light-hearted social interaction within this select club. Ten times a year, the group meets to discuss a topic chosen by the essayist of the month, ranging from archeology to robotics and everything else in between. Most of the men, as with several other male-dominated clubs in town, average 60 years plus in age.

“Self-assurance is important in how a guy approaches middle age and beyond,” Mr Cruson believes. “Men approach retirement with an idea of change: get on boards, or do service-oriented town projects.” As Mr Gorham suggested, Mr Cruson agrees that men at middle age and onward are looking to continue to educate themselves or help others in some manner.

There are, he admits, men who do not possess the drive or wherewithal to rejoin life upon retiring. These are the men who become “couch potatoes” he says. They retire and don’t know what to do without structure, so they do nothing.

Connecting To The World

Bob Shaw and Bill Brett of the Newtown Congregational Men’s Fellowship concur that men without some sort of connection to the outside world are in danger of falling into dangerous, unhealthy habits.

“Having something to do is important,” Mr Shaw says.

 But what men look for, in his opinion, is simply fellowship, says Mr Brett. “Men, when they have a purpose,” he says, “or a project, are eager to get together.”

Unlike the middle-aged women who are looking to make big changes in their lives, or feel a need to explore many angles of new options, men who have entered a quieter phase of life are not as likely to question themselves or look for verification from others. Adds Mr Shaw, “Men don’t need to be in an emotional or controversial situation. They already did that [in the work world]. Men are not going to stop over for a cup of coffee for loose-ended conversation.”

The Men’s Fellowship is open to men of all ages in the Congregational Church they say, but the bulk of their membership is over 60 years old. “The younger guys are so busy with their families and family events, that they don’t want to go out another evening, and they don’t have a need to ‘bond,’” notes Mr Shaw. The club of which Mr Brett and Mr Shaw are members exists mainly for service to the church and community. “We make people feel good and keep people involved,” Mr Brett states.

Their observations dovetail with those of Ruth Schofield, a private marriage and family therapist from Newtown. “I say on the whole, the evolution is not to just stay in ‘self,’” she says. “At a higher level of ‘self’ it is richer, fuller, more, when connected to ‘others.’ So men, the ‘hunters,’ go out in teams to aid others, or to socialize.”

Middle-aged women may still populate classes that explore personal growth, but the men of Newtown are not standing still. They are actively seeking, too, and each must be patient with the other’s phase in life and respect the manner in which middle age is approached.

And if it means the family gets a new sports car, well….